i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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