she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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