Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
