marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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