We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
