I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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