my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
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