so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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