There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
