I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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