My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
