I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
