I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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