drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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