I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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