Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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