lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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