If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
