I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
