guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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