How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You may now shotgun with the bride
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
