It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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