First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
