Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
