i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
