You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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