oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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