my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize