Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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