i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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