WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
