I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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