what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
