he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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