yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I look better un-naked...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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