somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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