I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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