Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
they're like a gay fantastic four
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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