I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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