btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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