hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
