dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
