Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Please don't give away my fajitas
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
