Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Randomize
