No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
