it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
