Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
