I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize