you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
