theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
