Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
