i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
