he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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