I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
