I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
