What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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