i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
