I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
