I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize