he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize