I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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