I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
